Well, it's been awhile since I've blogged and I really need to do this more often. Self-reflection is a great tool for personal growth, Si?
Points I would like to make with this blog, and also so I have a visible list to keep me on track here: My personal goals, long-term and short, what do I want from myself, the end-game if you will (the ultimate goal). I need to sort this out according to three things, as I see everything in life is classified (but not excluded to) mentally, spiritually and physiologically.
Alright so my short-term goals, I want to get increasingly better at Latin dancing, learn Spanish, increase my vocabulary and comprehension of Mandarin and Cantonese, become more active, eat more of a balanced diet and finally pay off my debt in a couple of months (good luck!). Nowhere in this list do I state finding someone to be with. Is that strange? At pretty much anytime I have to reflect, I realize that physically and mentally I crave loving, intimate affection. Why is it not on my short-term list? I'm going to say it's a good thing.
I should add to my list sticking to my morals and conscience, cause they rarely steer me wrong. The reason this was brought up was due to a situation that I was in while vacationing in Puerta Vallarta. This lovely, lovely, talented girl, Nancy, was on vacation as well from somewhere in Mexico, and was flirting with my quite hard. I, intern, did not think it was anything but harmless. But, while sitting beside her on the beach listening to people singing to a guitar, I proceeded to put my arm around her in an attempt for her to sway with me (which I often do to make people have more fun). She then proceeded to squeeze my hand and I did in turn as well (Lets not mention the part where I offer her a massage in exchange for one and the fact she spoke little to know English). After having my arm around her for awhile, someone from her group said something in Spanish followed by, "Hands up!" and him gesturing with his hands. And like an upstanding man, I listened. Over the last few days, I honestly regretted the decision, or I should say my penis really, really does. Let's say it's been awhile. Well, here's where it gets interesting, I finally get most of the people I became friends with and I'm trying to add Nancy, and I notice on her profile, she's seeing someone... (Yuy... *tries to pull collar loose). I really dodged a bullet there. What did I learn from this? Morals are a good thing in the end! I may not know the whole story, but I think in the end, Karma is really in effect. If I had gone through with it and she did too, how would I feel when I stumbled across this information? I would have died a little inside. I'm just gonna take a moment here and give myself a pat on the back mentally.
After all is said and done, I think I'm starving my bodily needs quite a bit, I need to let go of my inhibitions and find someone who wants what I want and just have sex, share a moment of cardinal lust and just sate or appetites. Right? Personally, I can't just constantly feed my mental and spiritual desires, while denying my bodily ones. Can I? Should I? This is the one dilemma I have with my conscience, the conflict that hurts my body. I crave a beautiful body to make love to, to hold and to have a warm body to wake up too. But will that hurt me spiritually? I really don't know. I think what needs to be done is I need to stop being so terrified and try something risky, that's not to say I should be stupid about it, but I guess I should push just a bit more when I'm out.
Sigh, jealousy doesn't become me. Dammit, Tony, Blaine, I'm truly, truly happy for you two starting the beautiful journey of sharing your life and time with someone else. I hope it leads you to great, unexplored, terrifying, experiences that lead both people in the relationship immense growth. The problem is I want what I don't have, heh, good societal conditioning, lucky me eh? I can't out grow it, yet.
Back to my list, I haven't really listened anything. Moments of silence, be it meditation, enjoying the moment, or focusing on menial tasks that my body does. A calm mind is an insanely efficient and sharp tool. That being said, a calm mind and a honed body both require the same thing, rest. And that will be strongly focused on.
Just running through some of the stuff on here, I have tall, tall mountains to climb. But you know what, the higher I get, the better the view I have, the more of the world I can see at once. The more I can understand what I can do. Man this leaves my views open to a huge existential arguments, but we'll let ignorance stop you here please.
The end game is to make the world better than when I first came into it. Does that mean I need to improve myself? Do I need to learn to manipulate people? If I become people's moral compass will that help? I dunno, I am merely an ant climbing a mountain, how much can I really do? Are my personally needs and desires really that important? Shouldn't I be focusing on making the world better, rather than spend it blogging, watching T.V. shows, playing video games and bullshiting with my friends? Dammit, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS :*(. Just gotta follow a path and hopes it doesn't a) kill you before you reach the end. b) leads you to the right place. c) you can help anyone who you hurt on the way there.
Good luck folks, and lets work hard together...
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Brain needs to leak, must... be... COHERENT!
(Disclaimer: Each paragraph is it's own individual thoughts, any paragraphs that seem to be related is purely coincidental.)
I am constantly struggling with the ego of my mind. It is a valley with slippery slope. At the bottom of this slope is absolute despair, insecurities, and self loathing. This is a place I never want to be and the desire to live never lets me reach this place. At times I am complacent, digging my heels into the ground, happily taking a rest where I am satisfied with neither climbing nor sliding down. Other times I see that enlightenment at the top and fight tooth and nail to get closer. Some semblance of effort satisfies me more than it really should. When I look around, I see people struggling with me. It's comforting, but should it really be? Seeing a few people struggling at the bottom third of this hill, taking years just to get a couple of steps higher, only to take one mistake and end up sliding down ten. With so many people who don't even realize whats going on, so many people trying to dig down into the ground as deep as they can refusing to move.
Sigh... one thing at a time. I really want to be a solid foundation for my own beliefs and values. But I have to be a stronger, better person. I hope the paths I choose to lead me there aren't pretentious ideals that are completely wrong, based on a society that is completely unfair and broken.
There are many things in this world that we should take the time to appreciate more. Sincere hugz :D, be they from someone you love deeply, a strange who you just shared a great moment with or even the surprise hug you get when your mistaken for someone else! Waking up in bed when it's warm and everything is conformed to a huge bubble of comfy around your body. The stretch you get when after a yawn, after you've haven't moved from an area for ten plus minutes or two days after a hard workout! That random smile you get returned from a stranger, even better when it's a cutie, is it not? :oP The morning sunlight warming your skin when you first enter it. Having your upper back, head, tummy, cheek, being rubbed while laying lazily around. I dunno, all these thoughts put a smile on my face and makes me warm inside.
With that I'll leave you to the evening!
I am constantly struggling with the ego of my mind. It is a valley with slippery slope. At the bottom of this slope is absolute despair, insecurities, and self loathing. This is a place I never want to be and the desire to live never lets me reach this place. At times I am complacent, digging my heels into the ground, happily taking a rest where I am satisfied with neither climbing nor sliding down. Other times I see that enlightenment at the top and fight tooth and nail to get closer. Some semblance of effort satisfies me more than it really should. When I look around, I see people struggling with me. It's comforting, but should it really be? Seeing a few people struggling at the bottom third of this hill, taking years just to get a couple of steps higher, only to take one mistake and end up sliding down ten. With so many people who don't even realize whats going on, so many people trying to dig down into the ground as deep as they can refusing to move.
Sigh... one thing at a time. I really want to be a solid foundation for my own beliefs and values. But I have to be a stronger, better person. I hope the paths I choose to lead me there aren't pretentious ideals that are completely wrong, based on a society that is completely unfair and broken.
There are many things in this world that we should take the time to appreciate more. Sincere hugz :D, be they from someone you love deeply, a strange who you just shared a great moment with or even the surprise hug you get when your mistaken for someone else! Waking up in bed when it's warm and everything is conformed to a huge bubble of comfy around your body. The stretch you get when after a yawn, after you've haven't moved from an area for ten plus minutes or two days after a hard workout! That random smile you get returned from a stranger, even better when it's a cutie, is it not? :oP The morning sunlight warming your skin when you first enter it. Having your upper back, head, tummy, cheek, being rubbed while laying lazily around. I dunno, all these thoughts put a smile on my face and makes me warm inside.
With that I'll leave you to the evening!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Here we go again :P
Well I'm here left with a lot to reflect on, lots of reflecting... I need to reflect on myself and acknowledge my strengths, weaknesses. Accepting myself for all that I am, mentally, physically and spiritually.
Pain is inevitable, but so is pleasure. Happiness and sadness. Sorrow and joy, etc, etc, etc. I have to learn from everything, or as a person I don't grow. Emotions are part of my conscience, a part of life, sometimes... you embrace it, sometimes it scare the complete shit out of you (this time emotionally). Just gotta learn from it, right? Right.
Now, we get to the good parts. I am now a sad, lonely bear. I loved you and I'm sorry you couldn't love me back. I wish I could have made you completely happy, and because of that I wasn't happy. I truly loved our time together and honestly it would have worked, for some time. It's better off this way, I think... (honestly I have no fucking clue, only time will tell.) With that being said, our time together is something I will look back on fondly.
Fuck me, there's too many I's in that last paragraph. Well that's what happens when you expressing one's thoughts.
Where does that leave me right now? Lost, in limbo, I'm standing in the middle of a frozen lake of doubt and regret, naked, wearing only fucking clogs on for shoes. What's that mean? I'm in a shitty situation, that will require a shit tonne of work. Not to mention, if I do fall... sorry did I say if, I meant when I do fall, lucky me, if I don't get up fast enough my ball freeze to the ice and keep me there. I then have to go through the agony of getting up and leaving a part of myself behind.
Well that's all folks.
I'm not going to link this to anybody, so I'm gonna let this be my little secret confessions. If you stumble across this well I guess you get to get a better look inside my head. It's a freakshow with a gong the size a fucking whaleshark, but hey the ticket was free, and you'll see nothing like it.
If you did stop by please leave a note :D
Pain is inevitable, but so is pleasure. Happiness and sadness. Sorrow and joy, etc, etc, etc. I have to learn from everything, or as a person I don't grow. Emotions are part of my conscience, a part of life, sometimes... you embrace it, sometimes it scare the complete shit out of you (this time emotionally). Just gotta learn from it, right? Right.
Now, we get to the good parts. I am now a sad, lonely bear. I loved you and I'm sorry you couldn't love me back. I wish I could have made you completely happy, and because of that I wasn't happy. I truly loved our time together and honestly it would have worked, for some time. It's better off this way, I think... (honestly I have no fucking clue, only time will tell.) With that being said, our time together is something I will look back on fondly.
Fuck me, there's too many I's in that last paragraph. Well that's what happens when you expressing one's thoughts.
Where does that leave me right now? Lost, in limbo, I'm standing in the middle of a frozen lake of doubt and regret, naked, wearing only fucking clogs on for shoes. What's that mean? I'm in a shitty situation, that will require a shit tonne of work. Not to mention, if I do fall... sorry did I say if, I meant when I do fall, lucky me, if I don't get up fast enough my ball freeze to the ice and keep me there. I then have to go through the agony of getting up and leaving a part of myself behind.
Well that's all folks.
I'm not going to link this to anybody, so I'm gonna let this be my little secret confessions. If you stumble across this well I guess you get to get a better look inside my head. It's a freakshow with a gong the size a fucking whaleshark, but hey the ticket was free, and you'll see nothing like it.
If you did stop by please leave a note :D
Sunday, September 5, 2010
WTFAID?
Well, I guess I should explain the acronym. The first half is obvious, what the fuck, and the last half may not be as common, am I doing.
That being said, lets expand on why I'm asking this... I just had that creeping feeling, you know that one where you feel like your drifting in a big space of existence and not sure what your doing with your life. Ah, yes, that great wonderful feeling of dread that drops on us out of nowhere, like a huge Albertan shit storm. The great questions pop in my head, what am I doing with my life? Am I treating the people in my life fairly, and on top of that do they know I really do love them? Who in this world pretend to like me, but actually have a serious problem with me? How many of my choices were bad ones! BLAH! Why am I worrying about so many things I can't really control? People, y'all can't deny it that you do have these feelings, and according to my roommate I get this quite a bit more frequently than others.
Don't get me wrong, my life is full of thrilltastic (thrilling + fantastic), wonderrific (wonderful + terrific) people and situations. I'm currently dating this amazing girl, I have many friends who I feel I can trust with my life and care about me, a job that's keeping my head above water, etc, etc. It's almost guaranteed this feeling will blow over very soon.
This feeling comes up to all of us, and honestly as long as you don't dwell on it too much and it doesn't come up too regularly, it's a very good thing to have. The reason being is this gets people to evaluate their lives and figure out things that are important to you. It's a mental note from your brain to say, "Hey buddy, lets go through things together!" Really, don't be too scared when it comes up.
P.S. Fuck you insecurity, you don't help me when shit like this pops up!
That being said, lets expand on why I'm asking this... I just had that creeping feeling, you know that one where you feel like your drifting in a big space of existence and not sure what your doing with your life. Ah, yes, that great wonderful feeling of dread that drops on us out of nowhere, like a huge Albertan shit storm. The great questions pop in my head, what am I doing with my life? Am I treating the people in my life fairly, and on top of that do they know I really do love them? Who in this world pretend to like me, but actually have a serious problem with me? How many of my choices were bad ones! BLAH! Why am I worrying about so many things I can't really control? People, y'all can't deny it that you do have these feelings, and according to my roommate I get this quite a bit more frequently than others.
Don't get me wrong, my life is full of thrilltastic (thrilling + fantastic), wonderrific (wonderful + terrific) people and situations. I'm currently dating this amazing girl, I have many friends who I feel I can trust with my life and care about me, a job that's keeping my head above water, etc, etc. It's almost guaranteed this feeling will blow over very soon.
This feeling comes up to all of us, and honestly as long as you don't dwell on it too much and it doesn't come up too regularly, it's a very good thing to have. The reason being is this gets people to evaluate their lives and figure out things that are important to you. It's a mental note from your brain to say, "Hey buddy, lets go through things together!" Really, don't be too scared when it comes up.
P.S. Fuck you insecurity, you don't help me when shit like this pops up!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Keeping up with the Robinsons...
Why is it that people are obsessed with comparing their lives with other people?
OMG! Look at that dude/chick! Their so popular, everyone loves them AND they have lots of money to buy cool things! Hrm, why can't I haz da nice tings? Boo hoo, they so luki! I wantz to be a famuz!
Why can't you just set your own goals and standards? Why do you have to out due your peers, friends and family? From what little I've lived my life, the idea that you should live your life by how you think you should live it and not base success off of "beating" other people. If your neighbour has a nicer car, a greener yard, a hotter wife, who gives a dam! Maybe his car guzzles gas and costs lots when you need to replace shit. Maybe their yard is greener because they feed it the souls of young Asian slaves. And that sexy wife? She's probably not giving anything but cold stares, empty laughs and the vague hints of adultery.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Why yes it is. But the intensity of green is exactly that, just a perspective, hell maybe an optical illusion. Is it actually BETTER? Usually not.
The following is a public service announcement by your Animosity Ant!
Remember, life is full of shit, you have bad things happen to you that you don't deserve, people usually don't notice your good deeds, and then you die. What? your waiting for me to put something more up lifting at the end? Alright fine... Life, in all it's pain and horror, is great! If you weren't alive, you wouldn't get to experience anything. Seriously, ANYTHING! Everything you feel in this world is a... hrm, not a blessing that has to many religious connotations. Ah yes! Privilege, we don't and never will deserve anything in this life, everything that is experienced is it's own unique situation. Once in awhile, close your eyes, take a deep breath in, and absorb all the different smells around you. Sit there quietly, and see what your ears can pick up in the background. Take those extra few seconds to really chew and savor that bite. Finally, open your eyes and see how truly vivid the world is and how much everything and everyone is enriching your life.
OMG! Look at that dude/chick! Their so popular, everyone loves them AND they have lots of money to buy cool things! Hrm, why can't I haz da nice tings? Boo hoo, they so luki! I wantz to be a famuz!
Why can't you just set your own goals and standards? Why do you have to out due your peers, friends and family? From what little I've lived my life, the idea that you should live your life by how you think you should live it and not base success off of "beating" other people. If your neighbour has a nicer car, a greener yard, a hotter wife, who gives a dam! Maybe his car guzzles gas and costs lots when you need to replace shit. Maybe their yard is greener because they feed it the souls of young Asian slaves. And that sexy wife? She's probably not giving anything but cold stares, empty laughs and the vague hints of adultery.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Why yes it is. But the intensity of green is exactly that, just a perspective, hell maybe an optical illusion. Is it actually BETTER? Usually not.
The following is a public service announcement by your Animosity Ant!
Remember, life is full of shit, you have bad things happen to you that you don't deserve, people usually don't notice your good deeds, and then you die. What? your waiting for me to put something more up lifting at the end? Alright fine... Life, in all it's pain and horror, is great! If you weren't alive, you wouldn't get to experience anything. Seriously, ANYTHING! Everything you feel in this world is a... hrm, not a blessing that has to many religious connotations. Ah yes! Privilege, we don't and never will deserve anything in this life, everything that is experienced is it's own unique situation. Once in awhile, close your eyes, take a deep breath in, and absorb all the different smells around you. Sit there quietly, and see what your ears can pick up in the background. Take those extra few seconds to really chew and savor that bite. Finally, open your eyes and see how truly vivid the world is and how much everything and everyone is enriching your life.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Why am I all caught up on standards?
This question applies to dating/sleeping around.
Being single now for more than a year now, I've had the constant yearning to be with someone, both physically and emotionally. Both my heads are in agreement, but something holds me back. Is it standards my mind has set? Are they certain characteristics my partner, however temporary, must meet? My biggest problem is that the real reason I'm not doing it is because I'm just scared to go out there and get my heart broken again. Even if it's a one night stand, rejection is still rejection at some level.
These insecurities are my biggest downfall, ones I've been slowly overcoming since I began "maturing". How is it that I'm able to go into a crowd of strangers and start mingling, but when it comes to trying to show my interest in someone I find attractive, it all falls down? I either come of as just being friendly, or just not attractive. Well, so far my standards have left me high, dry and blue balled!
I digress, the point I'm trying to make is, if I'm so lonely and horny, why am I not looking for a quick fix? I'm fairly sure there are some women out there who are interested in me, and even find me fairly attractive. Wouldn't it be fairly easy to oblige them temporarily and feed my cardinal appetite? I guess when it comes down to it, I care too much about other people's feelings. It's just like the thought of suicide, ultimately you never do it because you know you're a selfish prick leaving everyone you've ever touched in a heaping mess of mourning. Okay, well that's extreme, but I imagine it doesn't feel very good to sleep with someone you think you have a future with only to be tossed aside like a used tissue paper. As Rob, my roommate says, your too nice.
Well, after all that crap, I think I've had a revelation. It's not standards, it's just I'm so fucking scared. I'm scared to be hurt again, but mostly hurting someone else for my own selfish gain/satisfaction. Alright, I'm also somewhat scared I'll sleep with someone and they'll just end up teasing me, degrading me, laugh at me and/or just be insanely unsatisfied. Hey, what do you expect, I've only been with one person!
Well folks, that was me. If I was a book, I'd be wide open and waiting for y'all to read me, hoping you enjoyed at least some bit of me.
Night all.
P.S. Why can't an attractive women (by my standards) come up to me and just offer me a "no strings attached" night of wild educational sex and/or confess their attraction to me? Cause anything worth while requires work and effort ya dummy...
Anthony/Tony
Being single now for more than a year now, I've had the constant yearning to be with someone, both physically and emotionally. Both my heads are in agreement, but something holds me back. Is it standards my mind has set? Are they certain characteristics my partner, however temporary, must meet? My biggest problem is that the real reason I'm not doing it is because I'm just scared to go out there and get my heart broken again. Even if it's a one night stand, rejection is still rejection at some level.
These insecurities are my biggest downfall, ones I've been slowly overcoming since I began "maturing". How is it that I'm able to go into a crowd of strangers and start mingling, but when it comes to trying to show my interest in someone I find attractive, it all falls down? I either come of as just being friendly, or just not attractive. Well, so far my standards have left me high, dry and blue balled!
I digress, the point I'm trying to make is, if I'm so lonely and horny, why am I not looking for a quick fix? I'm fairly sure there are some women out there who are interested in me, and even find me fairly attractive. Wouldn't it be fairly easy to oblige them temporarily and feed my cardinal appetite? I guess when it comes down to it, I care too much about other people's feelings. It's just like the thought of suicide, ultimately you never do it because you know you're a selfish prick leaving everyone you've ever touched in a heaping mess of mourning. Okay, well that's extreme, but I imagine it doesn't feel very good to sleep with someone you think you have a future with only to be tossed aside like a used tissue paper. As Rob, my roommate says, your too nice.
Well, after all that crap, I think I've had a revelation. It's not standards, it's just I'm so fucking scared. I'm scared to be hurt again, but mostly hurting someone else for my own selfish gain/satisfaction. Alright, I'm also somewhat scared I'll sleep with someone and they'll just end up teasing me, degrading me, laugh at me and/or just be insanely unsatisfied. Hey, what do you expect, I've only been with one person!
Well folks, that was me. If I was a book, I'd be wide open and waiting for y'all to read me, hoping you enjoyed at least some bit of me.
Night all.
P.S. Why can't an attractive women (by my standards) come up to me and just offer me a "no strings attached" night of wild educational sex and/or confess their attraction to me? Cause anything worth while requires work and effort ya dummy...
Anthony/Tony
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)