Tell me what I want... please?

Well, it's been awhile since I've blogged and I really need to do this more often. Self-reflection is a great tool for personal growth, Si?

Points I would like to make with this blog, and also so I have a visible list to keep me on track here: My personal goals, long-term and short, what do I want from myself, the end-game if you will (the ultimate goal). I need to sort this out according to three things, as I see everything in life is classified (but not excluded to) mentally, spiritually and physiologically.

Alright so my short-term goals, I want to get increasingly better at Latin dancing, learn Spanish, increase my vocabulary and comprehension of Mandarin and Cantonese, become more active, eat more of a balanced diet and finally pay off my debt in a couple of months (good luck!). Nowhere in this list do I state finding someone to be with. Is that strange? At pretty much anytime I have to reflect, I realize that physically and mentally I crave loving, intimate affection. Why is it not on my short-term list? I'm going to say it's a good thing.

I should add to my list sticking to my morals and conscience, cause they rarely steer me wrong. The reason this was brought up was due to a situation that I was in while vacationing in Puerta Vallarta. This lovely, lovely, talented girl, Nancy, was on vacation as well from somewhere in Mexico, and was flirting with my quite hard. I, intern, did not think it was anything but harmless. But, while sitting beside her on the beach listening to people singing to a guitar, I proceeded to put my arm around her in an attempt for her to sway with me (which I often do to make people have more fun). She then proceeded to squeeze my hand and I did in turn as well (Lets not mention the part where I offer her a massage in exchange for one and the fact she spoke little to know English). After having my arm around her for awhile, someone from her group said something in Spanish followed by, "Hands up!" and him gesturing with his hands. And like an upstanding man, I listened. Over the last few days, I honestly regretted the decision, or I should say my penis really, really does. Let's say it's been awhile. Well, here's where it gets interesting, I finally get most of the people I became friends with and I'm trying to add Nancy, and I notice on her profile, she's seeing someone... (Yuy... *tries to pull collar loose). I really dodged a bullet there. What did I learn from this? Morals are a good thing in the end! I may not know the whole story, but I think in the end, Karma is really in effect. If I had gone through with it and she did too, how would I feel when I stumbled across this information? I would have died a little inside. I'm just gonna take a moment here and give myself a pat on the back mentally.

After all is said and done, I think I'm starving my bodily needs quite a bit, I need to let go of my inhibitions and find someone who wants what I want and just have sex, share a moment of cardinal lust and just sate or appetites. Right? Personally, I can't just constantly feed my mental and spiritual desires, while denying my bodily ones. Can I? Should I? This is the one dilemma I have with my conscience, the conflict that hurts my body. I crave a beautiful body to make love to, to hold and to have a warm body to wake up too. But will that hurt me spiritually? I really don't know. I think what needs to be done is I need to stop being so terrified and try something risky, that's not to say I should be stupid about it, but I guess I should push just a bit more when I'm out.

Sigh, jealousy doesn't become me. Dammit, Tony, Blaine, I'm truly, truly happy for you two starting the beautiful journey of sharing your life and time with someone else. I hope it leads you to great, unexplored, terrifying, experiences that lead both people in the relationship immense growth. The problem is I want what I don't have, heh, good societal conditioning, lucky me eh? I can't out grow it, yet.

Back to my list, I haven't really listened anything. Moments of silence, be it meditation, enjoying the moment, or focusing on menial tasks that my body does. A calm mind is an insanely efficient and sharp tool. That being said, a calm mind and a honed body both require the same thing, rest. And that will be strongly focused on.

Just running through some of the stuff on here, I have tall, tall mountains to climb. But you know what, the higher I get, the better the view I have, the more of the world I can see at once. The more I can understand what I can do. Man this leaves my views open to a huge existential arguments, but we'll let ignorance stop you here please.

The end game is to make the world better than when I first came into it. Does that mean I need to improve myself? Do I need to learn to manipulate people? If I become people's moral compass will that help? I dunno, I am merely an ant climbing a mountain, how much can I really do? Are my personally needs and desires really that important? Shouldn't I be focusing on making the world better, rather than spend it blogging, watching T.V. shows, playing video games and bullshiting with my friends? Dammit, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS :*(. Just gotta follow a path and hopes it doesn't a) kill you before you reach the end. b) leads you to the right place. c) you can help anyone who you hurt on the way there.

Good luck folks, and lets work hard together...