I've watched the first season of Californication and I've come to the realization... Whom do we give the most leeway for? Who do cheer for? Those who are flawed, those who are more dynamic. Someone who is more flawed and outcasted than accepted. They blend into the background... those people are never really at the for front of anyone's mind.
I'm writing this down to remind myself, I don't need to be one of these people. To be viewed as 'cool' as defined by our social media. It already controls so much of our perception, why should I give into it? Be more confident with yourself, there are many characteristics that you have that are sought after. You don't need to change anything you don't want to.
You just need to find someone worth your time and that you really want to put the effort into getting to know. And make sure you don't half-ass it! Bend over turn around and run with your whole ass out. Be brave, pursue the hope of love and the adventure it brings. Do not obsess, but don't be scared to be hurt! Every pain is a lesson in life that makes it richer!
Friday, April 6, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Paraphrasing quotes!
Cause I'm sure someone's said it some different way before...
"Generally people don't mean to hurt you. It's how they feel and act afterwards that tells you whether or not they care about you."
"Generally people don't mean to hurt you. It's how they feel and act afterwards that tells you whether or not they care about you."
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Dear androgynous Universe...
I begrudgingly acknowledge the fact that you put so many unique people in my life to force me to grow. To push me to places that will expand my own mental and physical boundaries... cause well, your a jerk, but a cool jerk. In conclusion, thanks for putting crazy, stubborn, wacky, difficult, supportive, narrow minded, accepting, hateful, fun, loving and awesome people in my life.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I hate myself and other people!
Miscommunication is the thing that ruins most relationships in this world. It doesn't matter what type of relationship. Say one thing that you didn't mean to say, doesn't matter how tired you are, what's on your mind, what type of stress your under, sometimes, just sometimes, you say the wrong thing and then it fucks it all up. Why? Cause, our immediate and natural response to something that offends us is to get angry and retaliate, or shut down. We don't take anytime to think about where the person is coming from.
Sometimes, if your fortunate you'll catch a break and the person will be in a cool state of mind and understand to take it for what it's really worth, which is usually nothing. If your not... then BLAM! Retaliation or a complete separation with your ties.
This is frustrating me... dammit. This is what always leaves me with the feeling that I always need to improve myself as a person, to better help other people. And try not to hurt people I care for unintentionally.
On a different note, not having a car these last few weeks cause made me feel immensely lonely and isolated. And it gives me time by myself to think who I am really am truly, no delusions, no ego and what type of man I'd like to be. I don't like who I am, and the priorities need to changed, set and kept. So Tony, you need to fix shit, and fix shit you shall... bitch.
Sometimes, if your fortunate you'll catch a break and the person will be in a cool state of mind and understand to take it for what it's really worth, which is usually nothing. If your not... then BLAM! Retaliation or a complete separation with your ties.
This is frustrating me... dammit. This is what always leaves me with the feeling that I always need to improve myself as a person, to better help other people. And try not to hurt people I care for unintentionally.
On a different note, not having a car these last few weeks cause made me feel immensely lonely and isolated. And it gives me time by myself to think who I am really am truly, no delusions, no ego and what type of man I'd like to be. I don't like who I am, and the priorities need to changed, set and kept. So Tony, you need to fix shit, and fix shit you shall... bitch.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Tell me what I want... please?
Well, it's been awhile since I've blogged and I really need to do this more often. Self-reflection is a great tool for personal growth, Si?
Points I would like to make with this blog, and also so I have a visible list to keep me on track here: My personal goals, long-term and short, what do I want from myself, the end-game if you will (the ultimate goal). I need to sort this out according to three things, as I see everything in life is classified (but not excluded to) mentally, spiritually and physiologically.
Alright so my short-term goals, I want to get increasingly better at Latin dancing, learn Spanish, increase my vocabulary and comprehension of Mandarin and Cantonese, become more active, eat more of a balanced diet and finally pay off my debt in a couple of months (good luck!). Nowhere in this list do I state finding someone to be with. Is that strange? At pretty much anytime I have to reflect, I realize that physically and mentally I crave loving, intimate affection. Why is it not on my short-term list? I'm going to say it's a good thing.
I should add to my list sticking to my morals and conscience, cause they rarely steer me wrong. The reason this was brought up was due to a situation that I was in while vacationing in Puerta Vallarta. This lovely, lovely, talented girl, Nancy, was on vacation as well from somewhere in Mexico, and was flirting with my quite hard. I, intern, did not think it was anything but harmless. But, while sitting beside her on the beach listening to people singing to a guitar, I proceeded to put my arm around her in an attempt for her to sway with me (which I often do to make people have more fun). She then proceeded to squeeze my hand and I did in turn as well (Lets not mention the part where I offer her a massage in exchange for one and the fact she spoke little to know English). After having my arm around her for awhile, someone from her group said something in Spanish followed by, "Hands up!" and him gesturing with his hands. And like an upstanding man, I listened. Over the last few days, I honestly regretted the decision, or I should say my penis really, really does. Let's say it's been awhile. Well, here's where it gets interesting, I finally get most of the people I became friends with and I'm trying to add Nancy, and I notice on her profile, she's seeing someone... (Yuy... *tries to pull collar loose). I really dodged a bullet there. What did I learn from this? Morals are a good thing in the end! I may not know the whole story, but I think in the end, Karma is really in effect. If I had gone through with it and she did too, how would I feel when I stumbled across this information? I would have died a little inside. I'm just gonna take a moment here and give myself a pat on the back mentally.
After all is said and done, I think I'm starving my bodily needs quite a bit, I need to let go of my inhibitions and find someone who wants what I want and just have sex, share a moment of cardinal lust and just sate or appetites. Right? Personally, I can't just constantly feed my mental and spiritual desires, while denying my bodily ones. Can I? Should I? This is the one dilemma I have with my conscience, the conflict that hurts my body. I crave a beautiful body to make love to, to hold and to have a warm body to wake up too. But will that hurt me spiritually? I really don't know. I think what needs to be done is I need to stop being so terrified and try something risky, that's not to say I should be stupid about it, but I guess I should push just a bit more when I'm out.
Sigh, jealousy doesn't become me. Dammit, Tony, Blaine, I'm truly, truly happy for you two starting the beautiful journey of sharing your life and time with someone else. I hope it leads you to great, unexplored, terrifying, experiences that lead both people in the relationship immense growth. The problem is I want what I don't have, heh, good societal conditioning, lucky me eh? I can't out grow it, yet.
Back to my list, I haven't really listened anything. Moments of silence, be it meditation, enjoying the moment, or focusing on menial tasks that my body does. A calm mind is an insanely efficient and sharp tool. That being said, a calm mind and a honed body both require the same thing, rest. And that will be strongly focused on.
Just running through some of the stuff on here, I have tall, tall mountains to climb. But you know what, the higher I get, the better the view I have, the more of the world I can see at once. The more I can understand what I can do. Man this leaves my views open to a huge existential arguments, but we'll let ignorance stop you here please.
The end game is to make the world better than when I first came into it. Does that mean I need to improve myself? Do I need to learn to manipulate people? If I become people's moral compass will that help? I dunno, I am merely an ant climbing a mountain, how much can I really do? Are my personally needs and desires really that important? Shouldn't I be focusing on making the world better, rather than spend it blogging, watching T.V. shows, playing video games and bullshiting with my friends? Dammit, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS :*(. Just gotta follow a path and hopes it doesn't a) kill you before you reach the end. b) leads you to the right place. c) you can help anyone who you hurt on the way there.
Good luck folks, and lets work hard together...
Points I would like to make with this blog, and also so I have a visible list to keep me on track here: My personal goals, long-term and short, what do I want from myself, the end-game if you will (the ultimate goal). I need to sort this out according to three things, as I see everything in life is classified (but not excluded to) mentally, spiritually and physiologically.
Alright so my short-term goals, I want to get increasingly better at Latin dancing, learn Spanish, increase my vocabulary and comprehension of Mandarin and Cantonese, become more active, eat more of a balanced diet and finally pay off my debt in a couple of months (good luck!). Nowhere in this list do I state finding someone to be with. Is that strange? At pretty much anytime I have to reflect, I realize that physically and mentally I crave loving, intimate affection. Why is it not on my short-term list? I'm going to say it's a good thing.
I should add to my list sticking to my morals and conscience, cause they rarely steer me wrong. The reason this was brought up was due to a situation that I was in while vacationing in Puerta Vallarta. This lovely, lovely, talented girl, Nancy, was on vacation as well from somewhere in Mexico, and was flirting with my quite hard. I, intern, did not think it was anything but harmless. But, while sitting beside her on the beach listening to people singing to a guitar, I proceeded to put my arm around her in an attempt for her to sway with me (which I often do to make people have more fun). She then proceeded to squeeze my hand and I did in turn as well (Lets not mention the part where I offer her a massage in exchange for one and the fact she spoke little to know English). After having my arm around her for awhile, someone from her group said something in Spanish followed by, "Hands up!" and him gesturing with his hands. And like an upstanding man, I listened. Over the last few days, I honestly regretted the decision, or I should say my penis really, really does. Let's say it's been awhile. Well, here's where it gets interesting, I finally get most of the people I became friends with and I'm trying to add Nancy, and I notice on her profile, she's seeing someone... (Yuy... *tries to pull collar loose). I really dodged a bullet there. What did I learn from this? Morals are a good thing in the end! I may not know the whole story, but I think in the end, Karma is really in effect. If I had gone through with it and she did too, how would I feel when I stumbled across this information? I would have died a little inside. I'm just gonna take a moment here and give myself a pat on the back mentally.
After all is said and done, I think I'm starving my bodily needs quite a bit, I need to let go of my inhibitions and find someone who wants what I want and just have sex, share a moment of cardinal lust and just sate or appetites. Right? Personally, I can't just constantly feed my mental and spiritual desires, while denying my bodily ones. Can I? Should I? This is the one dilemma I have with my conscience, the conflict that hurts my body. I crave a beautiful body to make love to, to hold and to have a warm body to wake up too. But will that hurt me spiritually? I really don't know. I think what needs to be done is I need to stop being so terrified and try something risky, that's not to say I should be stupid about it, but I guess I should push just a bit more when I'm out.
Sigh, jealousy doesn't become me. Dammit, Tony, Blaine, I'm truly, truly happy for you two starting the beautiful journey of sharing your life and time with someone else. I hope it leads you to great, unexplored, terrifying, experiences that lead both people in the relationship immense growth. The problem is I want what I don't have, heh, good societal conditioning, lucky me eh? I can't out grow it, yet.
Back to my list, I haven't really listened anything. Moments of silence, be it meditation, enjoying the moment, or focusing on menial tasks that my body does. A calm mind is an insanely efficient and sharp tool. That being said, a calm mind and a honed body both require the same thing, rest. And that will be strongly focused on.
Just running through some of the stuff on here, I have tall, tall mountains to climb. But you know what, the higher I get, the better the view I have, the more of the world I can see at once. The more I can understand what I can do. Man this leaves my views open to a huge existential arguments, but we'll let ignorance stop you here please.
The end game is to make the world better than when I first came into it. Does that mean I need to improve myself? Do I need to learn to manipulate people? If I become people's moral compass will that help? I dunno, I am merely an ant climbing a mountain, how much can I really do? Are my personally needs and desires really that important? Shouldn't I be focusing on making the world better, rather than spend it blogging, watching T.V. shows, playing video games and bullshiting with my friends? Dammit, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS :*(. Just gotta follow a path and hopes it doesn't a) kill you before you reach the end. b) leads you to the right place. c) you can help anyone who you hurt on the way there.
Good luck folks, and lets work hard together...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Brain needs to leak, must... be... COHERENT!
(Disclaimer: Each paragraph is it's own individual thoughts, any paragraphs that seem to be related is purely coincidental.)
I am constantly struggling with the ego of my mind. It is a valley with slippery slope. At the bottom of this slope is absolute despair, insecurities, and self loathing. This is a place I never want to be and the desire to live never lets me reach this place. At times I am complacent, digging my heels into the ground, happily taking a rest where I am satisfied with neither climbing nor sliding down. Other times I see that enlightenment at the top and fight tooth and nail to get closer. Some semblance of effort satisfies me more than it really should. When I look around, I see people struggling with me. It's comforting, but should it really be? Seeing a few people struggling at the bottom third of this hill, taking years just to get a couple of steps higher, only to take one mistake and end up sliding down ten. With so many people who don't even realize whats going on, so many people trying to dig down into the ground as deep as they can refusing to move.
Sigh... one thing at a time. I really want to be a solid foundation for my own beliefs and values. But I have to be a stronger, better person. I hope the paths I choose to lead me there aren't pretentious ideals that are completely wrong, based on a society that is completely unfair and broken.
There are many things in this world that we should take the time to appreciate more. Sincere hugz :D, be they from someone you love deeply, a strange who you just shared a great moment with or even the surprise hug you get when your mistaken for someone else! Waking up in bed when it's warm and everything is conformed to a huge bubble of comfy around your body. The stretch you get when after a yawn, after you've haven't moved from an area for ten plus minutes or two days after a hard workout! That random smile you get returned from a stranger, even better when it's a cutie, is it not? :oP The morning sunlight warming your skin when you first enter it. Having your upper back, head, tummy, cheek, being rubbed while laying lazily around. I dunno, all these thoughts put a smile on my face and makes me warm inside.
With that I'll leave you to the evening!
I am constantly struggling with the ego of my mind. It is a valley with slippery slope. At the bottom of this slope is absolute despair, insecurities, and self loathing. This is a place I never want to be and the desire to live never lets me reach this place. At times I am complacent, digging my heels into the ground, happily taking a rest where I am satisfied with neither climbing nor sliding down. Other times I see that enlightenment at the top and fight tooth and nail to get closer. Some semblance of effort satisfies me more than it really should. When I look around, I see people struggling with me. It's comforting, but should it really be? Seeing a few people struggling at the bottom third of this hill, taking years just to get a couple of steps higher, only to take one mistake and end up sliding down ten. With so many people who don't even realize whats going on, so many people trying to dig down into the ground as deep as they can refusing to move.
Sigh... one thing at a time. I really want to be a solid foundation for my own beliefs and values. But I have to be a stronger, better person. I hope the paths I choose to lead me there aren't pretentious ideals that are completely wrong, based on a society that is completely unfair and broken.
There are many things in this world that we should take the time to appreciate more. Sincere hugz :D, be they from someone you love deeply, a strange who you just shared a great moment with or even the surprise hug you get when your mistaken for someone else! Waking up in bed when it's warm and everything is conformed to a huge bubble of comfy around your body. The stretch you get when after a yawn, after you've haven't moved from an area for ten plus minutes or two days after a hard workout! That random smile you get returned from a stranger, even better when it's a cutie, is it not? :oP The morning sunlight warming your skin when you first enter it. Having your upper back, head, tummy, cheek, being rubbed while laying lazily around. I dunno, all these thoughts put a smile on my face and makes me warm inside.
With that I'll leave you to the evening!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Here we go again :P
Well I'm here left with a lot to reflect on, lots of reflecting... I need to reflect on myself and acknowledge my strengths, weaknesses. Accepting myself for all that I am, mentally, physically and spiritually.
Pain is inevitable, but so is pleasure. Happiness and sadness. Sorrow and joy, etc, etc, etc. I have to learn from everything, or as a person I don't grow. Emotions are part of my conscience, a part of life, sometimes... you embrace it, sometimes it scare the complete shit out of you (this time emotionally). Just gotta learn from it, right? Right.
Now, we get to the good parts. I am now a sad, lonely bear. I loved you and I'm sorry you couldn't love me back. I wish I could have made you completely happy, and because of that I wasn't happy. I truly loved our time together and honestly it would have worked, for some time. It's better off this way, I think... (honestly I have no fucking clue, only time will tell.) With that being said, our time together is something I will look back on fondly.
Fuck me, there's too many I's in that last paragraph. Well that's what happens when you expressing one's thoughts.
Where does that leave me right now? Lost, in limbo, I'm standing in the middle of a frozen lake of doubt and regret, naked, wearing only fucking clogs on for shoes. What's that mean? I'm in a shitty situation, that will require a shit tonne of work. Not to mention, if I do fall... sorry did I say if, I meant when I do fall, lucky me, if I don't get up fast enough my ball freeze to the ice and keep me there. I then have to go through the agony of getting up and leaving a part of myself behind.
Well that's all folks.
I'm not going to link this to anybody, so I'm gonna let this be my little secret confessions. If you stumble across this well I guess you get to get a better look inside my head. It's a freakshow with a gong the size a fucking whaleshark, but hey the ticket was free, and you'll see nothing like it.
If you did stop by please leave a note :D
Pain is inevitable, but so is pleasure. Happiness and sadness. Sorrow and joy, etc, etc, etc. I have to learn from everything, or as a person I don't grow. Emotions are part of my conscience, a part of life, sometimes... you embrace it, sometimes it scare the complete shit out of you (this time emotionally). Just gotta learn from it, right? Right.
Now, we get to the good parts. I am now a sad, lonely bear. I loved you and I'm sorry you couldn't love me back. I wish I could have made you completely happy, and because of that I wasn't happy. I truly loved our time together and honestly it would have worked, for some time. It's better off this way, I think... (honestly I have no fucking clue, only time will tell.) With that being said, our time together is something I will look back on fondly.
Fuck me, there's too many I's in that last paragraph. Well that's what happens when you expressing one's thoughts.
Where does that leave me right now? Lost, in limbo, I'm standing in the middle of a frozen lake of doubt and regret, naked, wearing only fucking clogs on for shoes. What's that mean? I'm in a shitty situation, that will require a shit tonne of work. Not to mention, if I do fall... sorry did I say if, I meant when I do fall, lucky me, if I don't get up fast enough my ball freeze to the ice and keep me there. I then have to go through the agony of getting up and leaving a part of myself behind.
Well that's all folks.
I'm not going to link this to anybody, so I'm gonna let this be my little secret confessions. If you stumble across this well I guess you get to get a better look inside my head. It's a freakshow with a gong the size a fucking whaleshark, but hey the ticket was free, and you'll see nothing like it.
If you did stop by please leave a note :D
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